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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26378341">you turn into someone else (like the sky is falling)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/lonelier_version_of_you/pseuds/lonelier_version_of_you'>lonelier_version_of_you</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Holby City</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, BPD John Gaskell, Borderline Personality Disorder, Established Relationship, Fix-it fic, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of Suicide, On Hiatus, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Alternating, Past Abuse, Psychosis, Self-Harm, also i added a general friendship tag for the cryptid squad because we needed one lol, easier than tagging all the friendship pairings individually, except lana and a few of john's other patients, i think that's all the trigger tags for now but i'll come back and add some if needed, mentions of human trafficking, possibly abandoned? definitely on hiatus at the very least</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 08:15:18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>11,024</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26378341</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/lonelier_version_of_you/pseuds/lonelier_version_of_you</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>Today, five days since he disappeared, John stumbles through the door of his and Henrik’s house with a thousand-mile stare, his hair a mess, and days-old stubble on his face.</em>
</p>
<p>
(A rewrite of the Gaskell storyline, wherein John's mental illness is portrayed with respect, David and Rox are alive, Johnrik is explicitly romantic, and there's a less miserable ending.)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>David Hopkins &amp; John Gaskell, David Hopkins/Roxanna MacMillan (background), John Gaskell &amp; David Hopkins &amp; Henrik Hanssen &amp; Roxanna MacMillan, John Gaskell &amp; Roxanna MacMillan, John Gaskell/Henrik Hanssen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. when you leave me, where do you go?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>So in the 'verse this takes place in, John and Henrik have been in a relationship and living together for a while. Instead of inviting Roxanna to stay with him at the end of Precipice, John moved in with Henrik around that time to look after him, and he just kind of... never left and they fell into a relationship by accident lmao. Also John's not an outright murderer, and he has good intentions, but he's been letting himself get too obsessed with his work/the idea that he's going to be some sort of saviour and has been making mistakes with the trial as a result.</p>
<p>On top of all this, David is alive and well - Rox, Morven and Ollie were operating on some generic patient instead when Ollie got shot. Rox probably still went through her "obsessing over fixing Ollie" phase but it stemmed from a desire to "make it up to him" for Tara's death. Those last two bits aren't really relevant here and probably won't even come up I just want you guys to know the whole backstory behind this.</p>
<p>This fic is partially inspired by a prompt from prompt-dealer on Tumblr. I won't say which just yet, but when the dialogue from the prompt turns up, I'll put credit in the chapter's end notes.</p>
<p>I don't have plans for the chapters here to be as long and sprawling as my last couple of fics, but this first chapter is relatively short and I do plan for the others to be longer (probably around 3k words each, give or take a few hundred words, but I haven't definitively decided on anything yet). I also hope to update this thing at least weekly, maybe twice a week. Saying that now so I can hold myself to it.</p>
<p>Title, and chapter title, from Talking To Myself by Linkin Park. Yes, two fics titled after Linkin Park songs in a row. In my defense I actually named this one <em>before</em> I named my last fic, and also One More Light is just a good album to write to.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Henrik barely has time to process what’s going on before John disappears.</p>
<p>He’s caught completely off guard by the news. One moment they’ve just arrived home after finishing up their shifts, the next John is putting down his phone and grabbing Henrik’s hands.</p>
<p>“I have something important to be doing. It’s for the trial. I need to leave today, I’m – I’m getting the next flight.”</p>
<p>Henrik can comprehend those words individually, but together, his brain is drawing a blank. This has just come out of nowhere. “John? What on Earth are you talking about? Where are you going?”</p>
<p>“Lisbon. Don’t worry, it’ll make sense soon. You’ll see it on the news, I imagine. This is what my entire career has been leading up to.”</p>
<p>John’s frantic demeanour unnerves Henrik. There’s something going on, he can tell (is John in any state to be travelling?), but before he gets the opportunity to investigate further, John’s hurriedly packed a small suitcase and is walking out the door.</p><hr/>
<p>Henrik didn’t hear from John for days after that, and it seemed neither Roxanna nor David had either. Henrik didn’t say a word to them, because he knew they’d think his worries ridiculous, but he spent almost every waking moment wondering if something bad had happened, if John was hurt or heaven forbid he was <em>dead</em> and Henrik didn’t even know–</p>
<p>But no. Today, five days since he disappeared, John stumbles through the door of his and Henrik’s house with a thousand-mile stare, his hair a mess, and days-old stubble on his face.</p>
<p>As soon as Henrik hears the door open, he rushes to it. “John! I haven’t heard from you in days, I was so worried–”</p>
<p>John shakes his head. “Stop. Just… calm down, please.” Henrik knows that tone of voice. That weary, exhausted tone, tinged with sadness.</p>
<p>Henrik takes a step back, giving John physical space, and then gently asks “what happened, my love?”</p>
<p>“I don’t wanna talk about it,” John insists.</p>
<p>Henrik takes a deep breath and tries not to give away his worry. “Shall I make you some dinner? I’m sure you must be hungry after your flight.”</p>
<p>John nods silently. He lets Henrik slip an arm around his shoulders and lead him to the living room. Henrik has to help him down onto the sofa, because he makes no move to sit down himself, and that combined with the emptiness in his eyes scares Henrik because if whatever happened in Lisbon was enough to make John dissociate like this… it must have been <em>really</em> bad.</p>
<p>“I think perhaps we should have an early night tonight, hm?” Henrik asks before heading to the kitchen. It’s not really aimed at John; he’s merely thinking out loud.</p>
<p>He’s running on autopilot, now, his brain going through ways to help like a flowchart. He’s dealt with John going through bad patches often enough throughout the years that he’s worked out the best strategies to help. <em>If John’s getting bad again, he needs rest first and foremost. He may not be able to get out of bed for some days (evidence: clothes unironed, hasn’t been shaving, obviously not taking care of himself oh God has he even eaten today) – plan for this. Taking up the household chores for a while will probably be necessary. Don’t forget to check for scars, just in case, and if he starts hurting himself again then put away all knives and razors where he can’t get to them–</em></p>
<p>He returns from the kitchen some minutes later, handing John a plate of food and a glass of water.</p>
<p>“Thank you,” John mutters. He stares at the plate for a good while before finally scooping up a bit of food onto his fork.</p>
<p>Neither of them mention it when John only finishes half of the plate. <em>Better half than none,</em> Henrik tries to reassure himself. <em>At least he’s eating.</em></p><hr/>
<p>(Henrik achieves his goal of getting the both of them to bed early that night.</p>
<p>He doesn’t notice, however, when John gets up in the early hours of the morning, woken by dreams of yelling and punishment and burning, burning, <em>burning</em>―</p>
<p>And while Henrik lies asleep in bed, exhausted himself from days of worry, John slips downstairs to the living room and cries silently, one hand clutched to his side in an attempt to stave off the phantom ache.)</p><hr/>
<p>Henrik is much too busy at work the next day to see much of John, but every glimpse he does catch worries him.</p>
<p>John seems strangely frantic – nearly <em>manic</em>, even. It seems like quite the 180-degree turn from yesterday, when he was so deeply fatigued.</p>
<p>When Henrik passes by him on Keller and tries to start conversation, John gives a hasty response that Henrik can barely make out. (There’s something in there, Henrik swears, about ‘<em>I can’t fail this patient like I failed…</em>’; John cuts himself off after that.) He then hurries away before Henrik has time to say anything.</p>
<p>Henrik catches John from a distance later, watches as he talks to a patient of his. His voice falters when he’s talking about possible surgical options, like he’s suddenly insecure in his abilities. There’s an odd panic in his tone, and Henrik doesn’t miss the disturbed look on the patient’s face as John continues ranting on about the pros and cons of stem cell treatment.</p>
<p>Henrik wonders if John has any idea what he’s saying himself.</p>
<p>Roxanna steps in, apologises for John’s rambling, and starts explaining things to the patient more calmly. She gives John a glance that even Henrik can tell is a sign of concern.</p><hr/>
<p>The next day, Essie approaches Henrik in the middle of their shift.</p>
<p>“What’s going on with John?” she whispers. “I’m getting worried.”</p>
<p>Henrik sighs. “I haven’t a clue either. He seemed… off, when he left for Lisbon. He was telling me how his whole career had been leading up to this – whatever ‘this’ was – and I’d probably see it on the news. Here we are, eight days after, and there’s been nothing in the media. And trust me, I’ve searched his name online more than enough since he left, I’d know if there was anything. I can’t get any information out of him, either.”</p>
<p>Essie frowns in concern. “Has something gone wrong with the trial, do you think?”</p>
<p>“Maybe,” Henrik shrugs.</p>
<p>“If something has gone wrong… he can’t just keep it hidden.”</p>
<p>“He can’t, no.”</p>
<p>“We need to know what happened. For the safety of the trial patients.” Essie pauses for a moment after that. “I went to the lab earlier and heard him muttering about something. Recording on that Dictaphone of his. He stopped once he realised I was there, so I didn’t hear much, but… it did sound like something had gone wrong. He was saying ‘I don’t know how this happened’, and I swear I heard something like ‘I should’ve saved her’ in there, too.”</p>
<p>“That… that is concerning, yes,” Henrik nods. “Thank you for the information, Essie.”</p><hr/>
<p>Henrik pulls Roxanna aside at the next opportunity he gets. “How has John been today?”</p>
<p>“You think he’s acting off too?”</p>
<p>Henrik nods. “As does Nurse Di Lucca, for that matter. I don’t think I’ve ever seen John quite like this before. He seemed depressed and dissociated when he came back but – I thought I could deal with <em>that</em>, that if something had happened in Lisbon we could sort it out. But these last two days…”</p>
<p>Roxanna hums in agreement. “You should’ve seen how he was in theatre today. I was honest to God scared he was going to get our patient killed. If I hadn’t been there, I think he actually would have. He couldn’t focus on the operation itself at all, one moment he was determined to save the patient and the next he was acting like it’s hopeless and we should just give up. He can’t think straight.”</p>
<p>Henrik sighs, leaning back against the wall. Some part of him says that if this were any other colleague he’d go to Occupational Health about it, but it’s not any other colleague, it’s <em>John</em>. And John would take it as a betrayal if Henrik were to do that. But…</p>
<p>“He’s not fit to operate,” Roxanna says. “You know I’ve been worried about him for months – however much you all insist he’s fine – but this is too much. Disappearing to another country with no warning. Not contacting anyone for days. Conversations that don’t make sense, being unable to focus on his job… you have to admit it now, surely. He’s not fit.”</p>
<p>Henrik shakes his head. “No. He’s not. You're right.”</p>
<p>A few minutes of silence pass before Roxanna adds “we need to do something about it”, as if she wasn’t sure whether Henrik was already aware of that fact.</p>
<p>“We do.”</p>
<p>“We need to tell someone. Occupational health maybe, or just go straight to Abigail. We… we can’t have him putting anyone in danger.”</p>
<p>Henrik glances down at the floor, unable to bring himself to meet Roxanna’s eyes. “He’s going to hate it. Probably hate <em>us</em>, too.”</p>
<p>“I know. But in the long run…” Roxanna sighs, before stepping away. “I’ll do it. I’ll talk to Abigail. Spare you the trouble. John doesn’t even have to know you were involved.”</p>
<p>Henrik lets her walk away.</p><hr/>
<p>As Henrik expected, John is quick to come to him after getting the news.</p>
<p>‘Coming to him’, in this instance, meaning dragging him into the staff room and saying “so <em>someone</em> snitched on me to Ms. Tate, and now I’ve been ‘asked’ to take some time off work, with a ‘strong recommendation’ to seek mental health treatment.”</p>
<p>“I see,” Henrik says as if he didn’t know this was going to happen, “I’m sorry to hear that.”</p>
<p>“I bet you anything it was Roxanna. Fucking bitch, interfering with everybody’s lives. Didn’t she force therapy on you too?”</p>
<p>“You could say that, I suppose,” Henrik replies nervously. He doesn’t want to enable John behaving like this, but John seems to be in the kind of mindset where Henrik speaking up would result in a <em>you’re in on it too, then</em> and the last thing John needs right now is to feel conspired against.</p>
<p>“Why does she think she has the right to control people like this?”</p>
<p>“I think it’s her way of trying to express that she cares. For better or worse.”</p>
<p>“It’s not any of her business! Treatment isn’t for everyone! Maybe I cope just fine on my own, maybe I don’t <em>want</em> to be medicated into a fucking zombie or patronised by a therapist for an hour every week, did she ever think of–”</p>
<p>“John,” Henrik interrupts. “I understand if <em>you</em> don’t want those things, but <em>I’ve</em> been on antidepressants. <em>I’ve</em> been to therapy. You know that. Is that how you think about me?”</p>
<p>John is silent for a moment, and then blurts out “it’s not the same thing!” Before Henrik can ask ‘<em>why not?</em>’, John’s walking out the door. “I’m going home. Roxanna can try her best, but I won’t let her take my dignity.”</p>
<p>“No need to. You do a good enough job of doing that for yourself,” Henrik mutters, once he’s sure John’s out of earshot.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. maybe we're stuck in the dark (i don't need your help)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>John's paranoia is getting worse. Everyone else tries to figure out what to do.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I know it's taken me way too long to upload this chapter, and it's not even a very good one at that. I'm sorry. It's just impossible for me to do much of anything at the moment. My brain isn't really working anymore.</p><p>On the bright side, we get some small peeks into David's and Rox's points of view here. It's still quite Henrik-heavy though I'm afraid, because I find him the easiest squad member to write. (Followed by John. I only know how to write messed up traumatised neurodivergent people, lmao. Probably because I am one.)</p><p>The chapter title is from Hate Me (Sometimes) by Stand Atlantic btw. Their entire latest album is very John vibes all around actually.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Henrik gets back home, he finds John in the kitchen, preparing dinner as usual.</p><p>Well… <em>mostly</em> as usual.</p><p>John refuses to make any acknowledgement of it, so Henrik doesn’t either, but the redness in John’s cheeks and around his eyes makes it clear he’s been crying.</p><p>Henrik is really starting to worry. John’s barely been back 24 hours and all of this has already happened in one day. Henrik can handle John being run-of-the-mill depressed, he can handle John not getting out of bed and needing Henrik to prompt him to do things like bathing or eating, but – John when he’s paranoid and having mood swings is a whole different ballgame.</p><p>“Had a chat with David earlier,” John says as he waits for the kettle to boil. “He says he’ll talk to Rox about this. Hopefully she’ll stop trying to get in the way of my life now.”</p><p>“That’s good,” Henrik murmurs in reply, though he doubts David’s genuinely going to do that: it’s more likely to just be a way of preventing further paranoia.</p><p>They eat dinner in a painful silence. Henrik wishes John would just <em>talk</em>, open up to him, explain what’s going on.</p><p>Because maybe then, Henrik could find a way to help. But he doesn’t know what to do at all when John won’t say anything.</p><hr/><p>Henrik wakes up in the middle of the night to the sound of John screaming.</p><p>This isn’t the first time this has happened. John’s had these awful nightmares for as long as Henrik’s known him. But it’s still terribly hard to watch, and all the more worrying when there’s something clearly wrong that John won’t talk about.</p><p>Henrik carefully lifts a hand up, well aware that if he isn’t as gentle and reassuring as he can be, he might make things worse. Thankfully, John doesn’t lash out in panic tonight: instead, he lets Henrik settle his hands onto John’s shoulders. The touch seems to calm him, and he stops screaming, but he’s still shaking and tearful, muttering something to himself in a language Henrik doesn’t understand.</p><p>“It’s okay, John, it’s okay,” Henrik promises, “it was just a nightmare,<em> älskling</em>.”</p><p>John doesn’t bother giving a verbal response, but grabs at Henrik’s pyjama top, hiding his face in the fabric as Henrik sits up and rocks him carefully. After some minutes, John settles back to sleep.</p><p>John probably won’t remember this in the morning, Henrik thinks, but maybe that’s for the best: it’ll spare him the embarrassment.</p><hr/><p>Henrik gets called into work in the morning; he wasn’t even supposed to be on shift today, but apparently there’s been a major car pile-up in the city, and many people are injured, so the hospital needs all hands on deck.</p><p>But Henrik’s scared to leave John alone like this.</p><p>So, reluctantly, he makes a phone call. “David?”</p><p>“Morning, Henrik.”</p><p>“I’ve just been called into work. Long story short, Holby needs me. Can you spare some time to stay with John today? I don’t want him being alone for more than a couple of hours at the moment.”</p><p>David doesn’t say anything for a moment. “It’s that bad?” he eventually asks, clearly concerned.</p><p>“I don’t – I’m not sure. He’s seemed alright this morning, but… better safe than sorry, with the state he’s in. He’d been crying yesterday, before I got home from work. And he had another nightmare last night.”</p><p>“I see.”</p><p>“I just… I worry about him.”</p><p>“Don’t we both?”</p><p>“Mm,” Henrik affirms. “It might be best you invite him over to yours. You know as well as I do that John doesn’t like feeling like he’s being babysat.”</p><p>“Of course,” David agrees.</p><hr/><p>“I know why you’re doing this.”</p><p>David looks up from the article he was just reading on his phone. “What?”</p><p>“I know you didn’t ask me here out of the goodness of your heart. You did it because Henrik asked you to babysit me.”</p><p>“Yes,” David confesses. There isn’t any point in trying to lie to John if he’s already figured things out.</p><p>“At least you’re admitting to it,” John sighs, sitting down on the sofa. “I think Henrik actually expected me to believe you just randomly called me up and wanted to invite me over. Just like Roxanna expected me not to know it was her who told Ms. Tate I ‘wasn’t fit’ to operate. I’m not five. I know when people are lying to me.”</p><p>“We want to help you, John. That’s all. Rox and Henrik, they’re… they’re trying their best.”</p><p>“I don’t need help!” John insists.</p><p>“We all do sometimes,” David points out, because he knows John doesn’t always seem to remember that.</p><p>“Fine. But I don’t need help right now. I had a bad few days, alright? There was a trial patient I hoped I could save, but she died in theatre. It was a nasty shock and I wish things had gone better. But that’s it. That’s all that happened. I have to move on with the trial and focus on the next patient.”</p><p>“Why don’t you tell Henrik and Rox that, then?”</p><p>“You think they’d believe me? They’ve already proven to me they don’t trust me.”</p><p>“I don’t think it’s that they don’t trust you, John.”</p><p>“That’s <em>exactly</em> what it is,” John hisses. “They don’t want me working. They don’t even want me having more than two hours to myself. ‘Cause they think I’m some walking liability who’s going to slit his wrists the second they turn their backs.”</p><p>David flinches at John’s blunt words, but doesn’t bother trying to correct him again. John’s paranoia doesn’t respond to rationality, David figured that out back in 1986. “I’m sorry you’re going through that.”</p><hr/><p>Roxanna hurries up to Henrik in the car park, having just managed to catch him at the end of his shift and the start of hers. “How’s John?”</p><p>“Currently in the process of achieving the World Record for Fastest Mood Swings,” Henrik remarks sardonically.</p><p>“That bad?”</p><p>Henrik nods. “One second he’s snapping at me and calling you a – his words – ‘fucking bitch’. Then I get back home and he’s been crying. <em>Then</em> he’s not talking to me for the entire evening. He was fairly stable this morning, but I doubt it’ll last long.”</p><p>Roxanna frowns. It’s not at all unheard of for John to have mood swings, but they’re very rarely like <em>this</em>. Everything that’s happened since John’s trip to Lisbon is starting to make her worry that he’s doing even worse than she thought. “And to think he hasn’t even been back for seventy-two hours yet.”</p><p>“Indeed. I hope it’ll pass, but…”</p><p>“Contrary to what he probably believes, I don’t want him to be away from work any longer than he has to. I hope it’ll be over soon as well.” Roxanna sighs. “I know you never wanted to listen to me when I said it, but he wasn’t well before Lisbon and he certainly isn’t now. He needs help, Henrik. Therapy. Medication.”</p><p>“And he has told me he doesn’t want those things. I can’t force treatment onto him without his consent.”</p><p>“Do your best to talk him into it, then. Or something. Because you’re not going to have a choice if this gets so bad we have to…” Roxanna can’t bring herself to finish her sentence. She doesn’t want to think about the idea of John being sectioned, but she can’t help but fear the worst-case scenario.</p><hr/><p>John sleeps through the night.</p><p>Henrik isn’t so lucky.</p><p>He lies awake, staring at the ceiling. What the hell is he supposed to do about all this? John’s a paranoid wreck at the moment and he’s refusing to let Henrik help him.</p><p>Roxanna’s words won’t stop playing over and over in Henrik’s head. <em>You’re not going to have a choice if this gets so bad we have to… you’re not going to have a choice if this gets so bad we have to… you’re not going to have a choice if this gets so bad we have to…</em></p><p><em>Hospitalise him against his will.</em> Henrik’s well aware that’s how Roxanna wanted to end that sentence, but her implication is not going to come true. Henrik won’t let it. John <em>can’t</em> be sectioned, no matter how ill he is. He wouldn’t cope on a psychiatric ward. The group environment would be too much for him – John needs his privacy. And he <em>hates</em> feeling trapped or restricted.</p><p>If things get really dire, Henrik will take any other measures he needs to. He’ll bribe John if he has to, or threaten him with the loss of his job like Roxanna did for him just months ago. He’ll lock the kitchen door while he pleads for John to eat, he’ll help John wash and shave if John starts neglecting his hygiene, he’ll do all the things he used to do in Boston and then in Trinidad, he’ll care for John the way John cared for him earlier this year.</p><p>But he is <em>not</em> letting John be sectioned.</p><hr/><p>In the morning, Henrik is planning to make breakfast, but he’s barely washed his hands when John says “I’ll do it.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“You heard me. Breakfast. I’ll make it.”</p><p>“Why? You’ve already been making most of our meals these last few days. You deserve a break.”</p><p>John furrows an eyebrow, as if suspicious. “Well, no offence, but you’re not a great cook.”</p><p>“You’ve never said anything before,” Henrik argues.</p><p>“That’s because I was being nice,” John snaps back. His tone of voice makes it clear this could easily evolve into an argument if allowed to get out of hand, so Henrik steps aside in a silent agreement to let John cook <em>again</em>.</p><p>When John’s being all cagey and closed-off like this, it’s usually a sign that something is wrong. But Henrik doesn’t know what there is that could be wrong, in this case. If this were about John not wanting to eat, he wouldn’t be making food at all. So it can’t be that. The only thing Henrik can think of is that perhaps it’s about a need for control, but why? Why does John suddenly need control?</p><p>Why won’t John just open up so Henrik can help him?</p><hr/><p>Between Henrik being off shift and John being on leave, this is the first time since John got back that Henrik’s been able to spend the entire day with him.</p><p>The incident at breakfast wasn’t exactly a promising sign, but thankfully John’s relatively calm throughout the rest of the morning. At one point, while Henrik’s busy putting laundry in the washing machine, John speaks up and says “I’m sorry I snapped at you about breakfast.”</p><p>“It’s fine,” Henrik assures him. “I’m just worried abou… I mean, do you know why you acted like that?”</p><p>“I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. That’s all,” John promises.</p><p><em>If that’s the case, then you’ve been waking up on the wrong side of the bed for several days in a row now,</em> Henrik thinks to himself.</p><p>As if trying to stop Henrik from saying that, John hurries to change the topic. “So, there’s this documentary on TV tonight that looks interesting…”</p><hr/><p>Henrik’s preparing two salads for lunch, one for himself and one for John, when he hears footsteps in the kitchen doorway.</p><p>He turns to look at John.</p><p>John glances at Henrik, sees him preparing lunch, and then interjects: “I’d rather make my lunch myself, if you don’t mind.”</p><p>“Is my meal preparation really that bad?” Henrik inquires, trying to hide the question as a joke.</p><p>“No!” John replies immediately. “No, no, I was being unfair earlier. It’s not that it’s bad, I swear, it’s just – it’s not safe,” he mutters, voice getting smaller and quieter as he goes on.</p><p>Henrik frowns. Is John getting paranoid again? He’s never known John to have these kinds of anxieties around food, though… “John? What does that mean?”</p><p>“Nothing, it’s nothing, don’t worry about it.”</p><p>Henrik is quite sure he <em>should</em> be worried about it, but he doesn’t push the subject further.</p><hr/><p>The rest of the day is almost painfully <em>normal</em>. They do chores and make occasional idle small talk and watch that documentary in the evening.</p><p>Besides John’s odd insistence that only meals he makes himself are safe, and some moments when John briefly spaces out, it’s almost like things were prior to John jetting off to another country and returning a little less mentally stable than before.</p><hr/><p>The next day is mostly the same, except for one difference:</p><p>They’re sitting on the sofa, watching some silly romantic comedy on the TV because there’s not much better to do, and right after the couple on the screen kiss, John leans in and kisses Henrik too.</p><p>Henrik kisses him back, and before either of them know it they’re fumbling around on the sofa in an awkwardly positioned kissing and touching session, and John turns the TV off before throwing the remote to the floor and placing his hands on Henrik’s waist, and–</p><p>Henrik’s unbuttoning John’s jeans when John suddenly flinches back. “No,” he pleads, looking like a deer caught in headlights. “Stop. Please.”</p><p>Henrik pulls away immediately. “Okay. My apologies if I, uh, got the wrong message or anything, I wouldn’t want to do anything you weren’t comfortable with.”</p><p>“It’s not you,” John insists, thankfully calmer now. “I just don’t feel up to it right now, alright?”</p><hr/><p>When they’re getting ready for bed that night, Henrik notices something.</p><p>It’s just a brief flash as John’s hurriedly changing into his pyjamas, but Henrik’s eye is caught by a glaring red mark on John’s thigh.</p><p><em>Fuck</em>. It’s happening again. That’s why John panicked on the sofa earlier, isn’t it? He didn’t want Henrik to see that he’s gone back to hurting himself.</p><p>Henrik had suspected John would do this, planned for the possibility, but that doesn’t make it any less heartbreaking to see it for himself.</p><p>He slips out of bed that night, once he’s certain John’s fast asleep, and locks away all the shaving razors and the kitchen knives.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>If you thought while reading those last lines that John wasn't going to take any of this well... you're absolutely right. The drama is really going to kick off next chapter.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. your head will collapse, but there's nothing in it</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>John returns to work, Roxanna and Henrik worry, and David tells an old secret.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Yes, that chapter summary does sound like one of those short weirdly vague descriptions they put out for EastEnders episodes. I know, and I'm sorry. This was just a really hard chapter to summarise. I'm also sorry the chapters for this fic have been taking so long - I've been prioritising the Henrik tribute video I'm making for his tenth anniversary on the 19th. That's very nearly done now, so hopefully I'll be able to update this fic more often in the coming weeks.</p><p>Legend* has it Patrick Homes listened to Where Is My Mind? by the Pixies on repeat while writing Stains. I followed in his footsteps to write this. Except what I came up with was far less ableist.</p><p>It's almost like mentally ill people are better at writing mentally ill characters. 🤔</p><p>(And I normally <em>like</em> Patrick Homes as a writer. I just think Stains was a real letdown compared to his usual handling of neurodivergence.)</p><p>Chapter title from the aforementioned Pixies song.</p><p>(* - Actually he just tweeted it when the episode aired. But "legend has it" sounds way cooler.)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>John had expected his first day back at work to go better than this.</p><p>He was prepared to deal with people asking him if he was really ready to go back, despite the fact that he did exactly what Abigail Tate asked. She never said how much time he’d have to take off, after all. Surely three days was more than enough. And his head is much clearer now – yes, he’s upset about Lana, of course he is, but he’s not deeply shaken by it as he was in the first few days after her… her…</p><p>Anyway, John has other things that need his attention now. Like work, and getting ready for it. So as he finishes drying off after his shower, he quickly wraps his towel around his chest <strike>because he doesn’t want to have to look at himself in the mirror</strike>, and starts to search for his shaving kit.</p><p>And then he realises he can’t find it.</p><p>Or rather, he can find it, but all his razors are gone.</p><p>“Henrik?!” he shouts, frustrated. He knows exactly why Henrik’s done this. John had even made an agreement with him, when he had first admitted he had a tendency towards hurting himself. He regrets that agreement now. Of course Henrik was going to take advantage of it.</p><p>Of course Henrik figured out the truth. Even when John tried his best to hide it from him.</p><p>John really can’t trust anyone anymore, can he? Henrik was supposed to <em>understand</em>, damn it. If anyone could understand, John really thought it would be Henrik.</p><p>Henrik enters the room a few seconds later. “John? You called out for me. What is it?”</p><p>Jesus Christ, John can’t take that faux-confused tone right now. “Don’t play innocent with me, Henrik, you’re not the good liar you think you are. You’ve gone and got rid of all my razors.”</p><p>“I didn’t get rid of them,” Henrik replies. “That would’ve been unreasonable. I put them up there,” he points to that stupid locking cabinet on the wall, too high to be within John’s reach even if he had the key, “so you couldn’t hurt yourself with them. I’ll get one out for you now, on one condition: I stay with you until you’re done shaving.”</p><p>“What is this, a psych ward?” John says bitterly.</p><p>Henrik just frowns at him. “I’m doing this to keep you <em>out</em> of one of those, John. Remember when you told me about this? That you used to cut? And we promised that if you ever started doing it again, I could take reasonable measures to keep you safe?”</p><p>“But this isn’t like that! I made one impulsive mistake, Henrik.”</p><p>“It looked like more than one to me.”</p><p>“I won’t do it again,” John insists. “Look, I just want to shave already, alright? I don’t want to waste any more time before work.”</p><p>“I’m sorry, what?! ‘Before work’?! John, you’ve only been off three days–”</p><p>“Ms. Tate made no specifications as to how much time I had to take off. And I’m feeling better now, okay? Just get the damn things out.”</p><p>Henrik doesn’t say anything more, just follows John’s directions, and John tries to ignore how humiliated he feels as Henrik watches him shave.</p>
<hr/><p>“John’s <em>what?!</em>” Roxanna yells into the phone.</p><p>She knew John hadn’t been making very good decisions lately. She’s been suspicious of the trial for months now, despite David, Henrik and John himself all trying to promise her John knew what he was doing.</p><p>But for him to return to work three days after being asked to take time off?! This can’t possibly end well.</p><p>“That was my exact reaction,” Henrik sighs, his voice sounding fuzzy on the phone speaker. “But I don’t know that there’s anything we can do about it. We can’t exactly talk to Ms. Tate again, can we? He’ll probably just get permanently suspended, and I don’t think either of us want that.”</p><p>Henrik’s right: the four of them have found themselves in an impossible situation. John isn’t well, that’s plain as day, to the point that even Henrik and David are admitting it now. But there’s only so many times Roxanna (because no one else has the guts to do it) can go to Abigail and say she’s worried about John’s mental health before John gets suspended for good.</p><p>So what else is there left to do? They just have to try and keep an eye on John as best they can, Roxanna supposes, make sure he doesn’t go too far off the rails.</p>
<hr/><p>Well.</p><p>So much for stopping John from going too far off the rails.</p><p>Roxanna walks into John’s lab to find him writing something down. She assumes it’s something about the trial, but John quickly clutches the piece of paper to his chest once he hears her enter the room, so she can’t see it for herself.</p><p>“You come to spy on me again?”</p><p>Roxanna crosses her arms and leans back against the wall. “I’m not spying on you.”</p><p>“If you hate the trial so much, why don’t you just quit?”</p><p>Roxanna blinks. Where did that come from? How is John making these conclusions? “What?”</p><p>“You’ve been trying to take me down this entire time. I don’t know where it comes from, if you think a mere grudge is something worth ruining my career over, or if you truly do somehow find something about the trial to be unethical, but either way–”</p><p>“John. I don’t know where on Earth you’re getting any of this. I haven’t been trying to take you down. I just disagree with some of the choices you’ve been making.”</p><p>“Well, how about when you told Ms. Tate you were ‘concerned’,” John makes air quotes as he speaks, “about my ‘mental health’?”</p><p>Goddammit. Where is Roxanna even supposed to start on responding to this? <em>How</em> does one even respond to the idea that caring about their friends is some kind of crime?</p><p>John fills Roxanna’s silence with his own words. “Yes, I know it was you who did it. You get off on that, don’t you? Trying to get people fired because they’re not using Macmillan-approved coping mechanisms. Well, find a new party trick.”</p><p>“John. Listen to me. I did it because I care about you.”</p><p>A flash of what seems like confusion crosses John’s face, before he quickly snaps back to anger. “Try being less patronising about it next time, perhaps. If you think I’ve lost the plot, at least grow some balls and say that.”</p><p>Roxanna sighs. “Look, John. I don’t know what to tell you. Do you want to hear me say those things? Because I haven’t been saying them. Or thinking them, for that matter.”</p><p>“What about what you said earlier?”</p><p>That throws Roxanna off guard. “What did I say earlier that made you think I’d decided you’d ‘lost the plot’?”</p><p>John shakes his head. “Nevermind. It’s not important.”</p><p>“John. I think… I think you’re ill, and it’s affecting the quality of your work, and you need help to get better. That’s it.”</p><p>John rolls his eyes. “I’m not ill. Just because I see things differently to you doesn’t make me sick. Now just leave me alone, you’re ruining my concentration.”</p>
<hr/><p>Henrik’s trying to make dinner after his shift.</p><p>He doubts it’s going to work out, but he tries to get started on it anyway, because it’s not fair for John to keep on doing everything for himself like this – he deserves a chance to rest.</p><p>Henrik has just turned the oven on when John comes into the room. Just as Henrik had expected, John quickly asks “mind if I take over?”</p><p>“I kind of do, actually,” Henrik admits, fed up with trying to pretend otherwise. “You’re doing so much already. Work, cooking, everything. Surely you need a break.”</p><p>“But Henrik, <em>I</em> know how to do this.”</p><p>“Are you sure? You never seemed particularly enthusiastic about cooking before. In fact, you’ve nearly set the place on fire while cooking on several different occasions. You actually seemed glad when I’d take over before. What’s changed?”</p><p>“I don’t mean–” John begins, “That’s not– I know how to make sure the food is safe.”</p><p>Henrik sighs. Here’s another thing he’s fed up with: how cryptic John is being. He keeps saying all these worrying things, and then refusing to explain to Henrik what he means by them. “What do you mean ‘safe’, John?”</p><p>“Well – you know. Safe. Not poisoned or contaminated or anything.”</p><p>“You think I’d poison you?”</p><p>“No!” John practically shouts. It almost makes Henrik jump. “Not <em>you</em>. Someone else. Fame comes with its sacrifices. You understand that, surely. And one of those sacrifices is that… a lot of people don’t like me, Henrik. They don’t trust me. They might want to hurt me.”</p><p>Henrik is really starting to panic now. The only thing he can think to take from this is that John’s much more ill than he thought.</p><p>He gently lays his hands on John’s shoulders, and says “Darling, no one is going to poison you. How would they do that, hm? We’re the only ones who live here, and I think we’d know if anyone had broken in.”</p><p>“Not if they’re good at covering their tracks!” John argues, pulling away from Henrik’s touch. “And I – people are trying to take me down, Henrik. Lots of people. Have you seen some of the rumours? On the internet, in the tabloids? People think I’m a fraud, they think the trial is a lie, they–”</p><p>“John. People will say a lot of things. But the chances of anyone actually harming you are very slim. You know, after… after… I heard a lot of awful things about myself in the news. I read even worse things on the internet. But in real life… I got a lot of stares, and some nasty comments, but no one tried to hurt me. And if nothing happened to me, even when my son… I certainly don’t think anything’s going to happen to you. I know the loudest voices are often the negative ones, but most people think you’re a hero. They think the work you’ve been doing is very admirable.”</p><p>“You don’t understand, they’re after me! They’re after me, and I even – I even think Rox might be working with them, I think she might be being paid to take the trial down from the inside and <em>I don’t know who to trust anymore</em>, I don’t even know if I can trust you and I’m so scared. They want me dead, Henrik, and I–” John stops, there, as if realising he’s said too much.</p><p>“John. John, my love, can you explain for me who ‘they’ are, please? These people you think Roxanna might be working with, these people that are trying to hurt you, do you know who they are? Do you know their names?”</p><p>John doesn’t answer.</p><p>“I just want to help you,” Henrik promises quietly. It’s true, but not in the way he hopes John will take it. “I just want to keep you safe, and the more information I have, the better I can do that. Who are ‘they’, John?”</p><p>“I don’t– I can’t expl– you wouldn’t understand!” John insists.</p><p>Henrik is quite certain that means even John himself doesn’t know.</p>
<hr/><p>David’s about to get started on making dinner for himself and Roxanna when his phone rings.</p><p>He thinks, for a second, of rejecting the call and getting back to whoever it is later, but then he looks at the screen and sees the call is from Henrik.</p><p>And whenever Henrik calls him lately, some part of David always fears the worst. For all he knows, John’s gone and hurt himself again. Hell, for all he knows, it could be worse than that: John could be dead. John’s behaviour is so hard to predict when he’s like this, and it scares David.</p><p>David hurriedly answers the phone. “Henrik?”</p><p>“I’m worried about John. Actually, could you get Roxanna on the phone, please? I think both of you need to hear this.”</p><p>“Okay. Okay, I’ll get her. Just tell me he’s not–”</p><p>“He’s not in any physical danger, no. I’ve put away all the knives and razors so he can’t harm himself. But I’m concerned about his mental state. Uh – can you put me on speakerphone? If you know how to do that. I still haven’t figured it out.”</p><p>“Yeah, sure.”</p><p>David turns on the phone speaker. Then he quickly heads to the living room, where Roxanna is laying on the sofa while <em>Emmerdale</em> plays on the TV.</p><p>“Rox? Henrik’s phoned. He says there’s something we both need to hear about John.”</p><p>“Oh, God, what is it now?”</p><p>Henrik sighs from the other end of the phone. “He told me this evening that there are people trying to hurt him, despite the fact that there is no evidence for this. And he also said – Roxanna, he thinks you might be working with these people. Whoever they are.”</p><p>Roxanna groans in exhaustion. (David can’t blame her.) “He said to me today that he ‘knew’ I thought he’d lost the plot – which I don’t – and told me something I’d said earlier proved this. I can’t think of anything I could’ve possibly said to him that would prove that. All we’d done until then was talk about today’s Neuro patients and how to treat them.”</p><p>It doesn’t take long for David to make the connection. John had let it slip, once, that he ‘saw things’, as he put it, sometimes. David had been terribly worried by that and said John needed to seek help, that any number of things could be going on with him and they were all things that really needed treatment; John, however, had insisted he had learned how to cope with it by now and it was normal to him, and begged David not to tell anyone else.</p><p>David had agreed, then, afraid that if he <em>did</em> tell anyone he’d lose John’s trust – which was an incredibly hard thing for anyone to gain in the first place, and if John started thinking he couldn’t open up to David, then he probably wouldn’t open up to <em>anyone</em> and that would be far worse.</p><p>Now, though, David wonders if he should have said something all those years ago. If saying something would have stopped them from getting to this point.</p><p>“Shit,” Henrik mutters, before speaking up louder. “I don’t – I’m used to John being paranoid, but I’m not sure I can even call this paranoia anymore. It’s starting to sound like delusional thinking. I don’t know how to deal with that, I don’t know how to help him.”</p><p>“If he’s this ill, we need to do something,” Roxanna says.</p><p>“But what? We can’t go to Ms. Tate – I dread to think what John losing his job would do to him. And it’s not as if I can just force him to get treatment, even if I wish he would. What options does that leave us with besides keeping an eye on him and hoping he doesn’t get worse?” Henrik sighs.</p><p>“I have no idea either. But we can’t just let him carry on like this. David? You’re being strangely quiet. Do you have any ideas?”</p><p>David takes a deep breath. He hopes he won’t end up regretting this. “Alright. Listen. Neither of you can tell John I told you this, okay? But he… he has recurring hallucinations. He told me about them once, but it was years ago so I guess I just hoped they’d stopped by now – but since he keeps bringing up things that never happened…”</p>
<hr/><p>Henrik thinks he can hear Roxanna whisper “oh my God” on the other side of the phone, but he’s in too much shock himself to know for sure. He wants to believe this is some sort of cruel joke, but David wouldn’t do that. Not at a time like this.</p><p>And it makes a terrifying amount of sense. Not just right now, either, but in general: Henrik can recall a few different occasions of John recounting things that never happened, conversations they never had. When Henrik questioned it, John had always apologised and said he was probably mixing it up with another interaction he’d had with someone else, but – the idea that, as far as John knew, those things <em>did</em> happen is far more plausible than him being so forgetful he couldn’t remember whom he had certain conversations with.</p><p>…This means what John’s going through right now, with the paranoid thinking and the references to interactions that never occurred, is likely a psychotic episode, isn’t it?</p><p>Henrik would know how to help if John were experiencing a depressive episode, but he has very little experience helping someone through psychosis. He has no idea how to deal with this, no idea how to help John, and he’d be lying if he were to say that doesn’t scare him.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>BTW, yes, I know John being back at work so easily is a bit implausible. But please suspend your disbelief, because I needed it to happen for the sake of the plot. 😆 Similarly, I know he's been a really nasty person in the fic so far. Just try and keep in mind that, as far as he knows, the people around him are untrustworthy and trying to sabotage him, and he's reacting accordingly. A certain interaction that seems innocuous and well-intentioned from Roxanna's, or Henrik's, or David's perspective might look very different from John's point of view.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. is it digging you down? (does it pile up to bury you?)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p><em>Deep down, John had wanted to not be right about this. He hadn’t wanted to believe that Roxanna could do this to him. But she has; she wouldn’t just bring up the idea of there being a ‘conspiracy’ against him out of nowhere, she’s working with</em> them <em>to hurt him and this is her attempt at throwing him off the trail and—</em></p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Okay, so I'm just going to be blunt about this. There is a very high chance that this fic won't get finished. I'm not really in any state to be writing right now. And I'm really kind of bordering on a breakdown of my own and I doubt writing a story about that exact thing is going to do me much good at the moment. <em>But</em> I already had part of this chapter written, so between that and the fact that I felt I should at least get far enough into this fic that I could actually USE the dialogue prompt that inspired it in the first place... I figured that if I do nothing else for this fic, I should finish chapter 4.</p><p>So you all get at least one more chapter before I probably call it quits. And it's longer than the others too. You're welcome.</p><p>Any misspellings in John's note are absolutely intentional, btw. I've always headcanoned John as not very good with the written word, and prone to making mistakes if he's not paying attention (and/or if he can't use autocorrect lol); I think he's more of an auditory-oriented person, hence the Dictaphone. <strike>(Speaking of headcanons, I wonder if you guys can tell I headcanon that John finds it comforting to listen to Henrik speaking Swedish yet lmao)</strike></p><p>Also, please be warned that there's self-harm in this chapter and unlike the previous ones, it's fairly graphic. No depiction of the actual act, but there's description of the injuries and the method used. So yeah, read with caution. (I'm starting to wonder if I should bump the rating up to M, actually... I've already changed it on FF.net, but I feel like an AO3 T rating can cover more than an FF.net T, so idk.)</p><p>Chapter title from This Is What You Did by This Is The Kit, because I've been obsessed with that song lately. The John vibes of it are STRONG. Do yourself a favour and listen to it.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Henrik lies awake and watches John sleep.</p><p>It feels like this is the only time either of them get any peace at the moment. During the day, Henrik’s just a worried mess, never knowing what’s going on with John. And John… Henrik can’t even begin to imagine what John must be experiencing.</p><p><em>Psychosis.</em> Henrik contemplates the word, as though it were an object he could examine. <em>So that’s what this is.</em></p><p>It must be petrifying, Henrik thinks, to have to go through that. To think everyone is trying to hurt you, when the truth is all they want to do is <em>help</em>.</p><p>Henrik understands, now, why John’s been acting the way he has. Of course John’s been upset and angry: he legitimately doesn’t understand that he’s ill. He lacks insight. Henrik would be upset, too, if he believed there were people out to harm him and no one else listened to him about it.</p><p>John stirs from his slumber then, whimpering quietly and muttering incoherent words, clearly in the midst of a nightmare.</p><p>“Shh, shh, <em>det är okej, sov nu bara, somna bara om,</em>” Henrik outstretches a hand and strokes John’s hair gently, shushing him repetitively until John goes silent again and his breathing relaxes to a steadier rhythm.</p><p>Henrik hates how the only times John seems open and responsive to him anymore are when he’s barely even conscious.</p><p>John’s never even told him about the hallucinations. That’s something he should’ve told Henrik about. They’ve been together for months, close friends for decades, and yet Henrik only found out a few hours ago, and not even from John himself. Does John not trust him? Does he not feel like he can talk to Henrik about these things?</p><p>Henrik hopes that’s not the case. He knows he has a tendency to intimidate people – has even used it to his advantage, sometimes, to avoid having to deal with the emotional consequences of letting anyone get too close to him – but he didn’t realise John was one of those people.</p><p>If John had told him about this sooner, Henrik could’ve got him help. John could be on medication by now and none of this would be happening.</p><p>Maybe this is all Henrik’s fault, really. He made John feel like he couldn’t open up, so he never did, and now they’re in this mess.</p>
<hr/><p>John is fed up of the way Henrik keeps looking at him.</p><p>He can tell Henrik thinks he’s crazy. Everyone thinks he’s crazy. He knows that.</p><p>And fine, maybe they’re right, but what does it matter? When did ‘this person sees things that aren’t there sometimes’ become grounds for assuming that person could never be in real danger and putting them at further risk by refusing to help them?</p><p>No one is taking him seriously. Not even Henrik. David comes the closest, but even he doesn’t seem to <em>truly</em> believe John.</p><p>And God, where does John even start on Roxanna? She’s trying to ruin his work, she keeps gaslighting him, and nobody listens to him when he speaks up about this. He recalls the conversation they’d had yesterday morning, when Roxanna told him she didn’t think he should be back at work, and that maybe he should just call off the trial because it was doomed to fail anyway. And then to top it all off, she had to go and deny it ever happened later. Like she didn’t know <em>exactly</em> what she had said.</p><p>All he’s done is try to help people. Maybe he isn’t doing it well enough, because he did everything he possibly could for Lana and she still died. But he’s <em>trying</em>. And goddamn, he had no idea how much vitriol people would aim at him just for trying to do good.</p><p>He certainly didn’t think a woman he’s been friends with for thirty years would attempt to ruin his career over it.</p><p>John tries to take his mind off Roxanna and her betrayal. It’s too hard to think about. But it’s not much easier to think about the glances Henrik keeps giving him as they eat breakfast, the looks of concern as though there were something wrong with <em>him</em> and not with everyone else.</p><p>John hates being looked at with pity. He hates being talked to as though he were merely a child scared of monsters under the bed. He hates not being listened to when he raises concerns about the harm he might face as a result of his fame.</p><p>They’re all going to regret it, John thinks, when he’s dead. They’re going to ask <em>who could do this</em> and <em>why didn’t we see the signs</em>. And John hopes there’s an afterlife just so he can watch them then and laugh at how he <em>warned them</em> someone was going to kill him.</p><p>As soon as John’s finished his breakfast, he shoves on his shoes and jacket and heads out the door. He doesn’t want to have to deal with any more patronising behaviour from Henrik. He’s had enough of that the last few days.</p>
<hr/><p>Roxanna is seriously weighing up the pros and cons of reporting John as unfit again.</p><p>Henrik certainly isn’t going to do anything. David’s had years to do something, and he hasn’t, so Roxanna doesn’t expect him to take action now either.</p><p>So someone needs to do something before John starts putting lives in danger.</p><p>It isn’t that Roxanna wants to put John out of work. It isn’t, contrary to what John’s accused her of, that she hates the trial or has a grudge or whatever. She knows that having his work taken away from him would be a risk to John’s mental health, but by carrying on like this, he’s putting his patients at risk too.</p><p>And the patients have to come first. John may be sick, and Roxanna may feel sorry for him, but their patients can’t suffer for that.</p><p>Roxanna’s not convinced, either, that John carrying on with the trial and his work at the hospital isn’t harming his mental health too. She doesn’t want him to end up being sectioned, not if they can avoid it.</p><p>It feels like she’s damned if she does and damned if she doesn’t, when it comes to helping John.</p>
<hr/><p>Roxanna heads down to John’s lab that afternoon, while John is busy with a patient. She doesn’t really want to let him treat anyone alone right now, but hopefully Essie will intervene in her place if something goes really wrong.</p><p>She searches every surface she can find, looking for the note John was writing yesterday. Finally, she pulls something out of a drawer that seems to be it, and looks over the note carefully:</p><p>‘<em>7:30 AM S</em><em>eptember 25</em><em> – Lana brought into theatre</em></p><p>
  <em>9:30 AM – operation finished</em>
</p><p>
  <em> 12:30 PM – Lana wakes up (but not fully consicous?? she wasn’t responding to her surroundings and she didn’t try to talk or anything she just lied there <strike> oh my god was she already braindead at this point did i kill her </strike> ) </em>
</p><p>
  <em>12:40 PM – Lana starts to detearioate, taken back into theatre</em>
</p><p>
  <em>1:35 PM – No output</em>
</p><p>
  <em>1:50 PM – Lana declared dead</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Possible causes:</em>
</p><p>
  <em>- Problem with the implant?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>- Hospital failure to provide proper post-op care?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>- Lack of proper theatre hygiene, leading to infection?</em>
</p><p><strike><em>- Someone sabotaged her operation</em></strike>’</p><p>It takes Roxanna a while to figure out what the last sentence of the note is, thanks to John having crossed it out, but when she does realise she can’t help but worry.</p><p>And Lana? Is… she’s that trial patient in Lisbon, right? So something’s gone wrong with the trial again and John isn’t telling anyone about it?</p><p>Fuck.</p>
<hr/><p>John is in theatre. His patient is a young woman – Susan Harrison, that’s her name, apparently – who’s been in a car crash and now needs surgery for the bleed on her brain. He’s dealt with many similar cases before, having been in neuro for several decades and all that; this is as good as routine for him now.</p><p>And if Susan looks a little too much like Lana, it doesn’t matter. John can ignore that. Really, he can.</p><p>At least until Roxanna’s voice rings out over the microphone. He turns around to see her standing by the window of the operating theatre, and he almost wants to scream right there and then.</p><p>“How’s it going?”</p><p>“Fine. Now please stop stalking me.”</p><p>“I’m not stalking you, I just want to know how the operation is going.”</p><p>“If you want to know so badly, watch. But keep your mouth shut. Some of us want to focus when we’re trying to save somebody’s life, Rox,” John snaps.</p><p>Roxanna doesn’t say anything more after that.</p><p>John’s nearly ready to stitch his patient up and call it a day, when he hears a loud beeping.</p><p>“BP is falling,” Essie warns John.</p><p>“Dammit,” John mutters, looking down to see more blood pooling in Susan’s head. How has this happened? This wasn’t supposed to happen. He was going to finish the surgery and then move on to the next patient. This wasn’t supposed to happen.</p><p>
  <em> Professor, I think we have to give up. </em>
</p><p>John forces his eyes closed and takes a deep breath. He doesn’t need to hear that stupid nurse’s voice right now. This isn’t Lisbon. This isn’t Lisbon.</p><p>He opens his eyes again, and for just a fraction of a second, he thinks he’s looking down at Lana.</p><p>“Professor Gaskell, do something,” Meena Chowdhury’s voice begs. (Who invited her to assist on this surgery? She’s insufferable.)</p><p>John forces himself not to indulge his visions, and focuses on trying to repair the tear in La– Susan’s brain.</p><p>It still isn’t working.</p><p>Susan’s BP keeps on falling.</p><p>There’s one long, continuous beeping sound.</p><p>“No output,” someone says. John can’t think clearly enough to figure out who.</p><p>“Right, um, she needs adrenaline,” John declares, hurrying to begin chest compressions on his patient. “Someone give her some adrenaline. Now! We <em>can’t</em> lose her.”</p><p>A moment afterwards, Essie speaks up.</p><p>“Professor Gaskell, she’s been in asystole for fifteen minutes.”</p><p>What? No. That’s impossible. John was only demanding someone gave the patient adrenaline a few seconds ago, wasn’t he?</p><p>“I think we should call it.”</p><p>“No. No, we can still save her, I know we can.”</p><p>“No, we can’t,” Essie says, quietly.</p><p>John feels someone’s hands pull his away from his patient.</p><p>“Time of death 14:29.”</p><p>All John can see is Lana’s face staring back at him.</p>
<hr/><p>Ten minutes later, John’s the only one left in the theatre. When he finally manages to look away from the now empty operating table, he sees Roxanna is still staring back at him.</p><p>Oh, she must be getting a <em>kick</em> out of this.</p><p>“Have you thought about treating your <em>own</em> patients, rather than just <em>staring at me</em> like that?”</p><p>“Well, unfortunately for the both of us, I happen to care about you. So you’re stuck with me. Come on out of there and we can talk, okay?”</p><p>“If you really cared about me, you’d trust me! You wouldn’t be going around watching me like a hawk. I know you’re up to something, Rox.”</p><p>“I’m not ‘up to’ anything!” Roxanna insists. “John, just – come to your senses already. Please. Everything I’ve been doing, I’ve been doing out of concern. This grand conspiracy you think is against you, you’re <em>imagining</em> it!”</p><p>Before John can even find it in himself to say anything, Roxanna makes a choked gasping sound, as if realising she just said something she really shouldn’t have.</p><p>Deep down, John had wanted to not be right about this. He hadn’t wanted to believe that Roxanna could do this to him. But she has; she wouldn’t just bring up the idea of there being a ‘conspiracy’ against him out of nowhere, she’s working with<em> them </em>to hurt him and this is her attempt at throwing him off the trail and—</p><p>“Where did you get that from?” he says, trying to stop his voice from shaking, trying to sound brave, trying to intimidate her.</p><p>“Henrik called yesterday. He said he’d had a conversation with you that worried him. That you were saying there were people out to harm you.”</p><p>So Henrik’s betrayed him too? John should have expected that, but he didn’t. He thought Henrik would be better than that.</p><p>The revelation makes John want to cry. He forces back the tears. He can’t let Roxanna see him this weak.</p><p>“John… I’m sorry I snapped at you, okay? I realise now that this is probably psychosis, and… and you aren’t well enough to know you’re ill, but–”</p><p>“You’re gaslighting me! I know what you’re doing!”</p><p>“But you can’t carry on like this. It’s harming both you and your patients. No one wants to hurt you. Not even me. I <em>promise</em>.”</p><p>John hurries out of the theatre and right past Roxanna. He can’t listen to any more of this.</p>
<hr/><p>John pulls up in front of the house – well, Henrik’s house, actually, but thanks to his inability to stop loving that god-damned man too much for his own good (something he sorely regrets today), John’s been living there for some months now – and hastily gets out of the car.</p><p>Henrik is quick to meet him at the doorway. “John? What are you doing here? I thought your shift wasn’t over yet.”</p><p>“I don’t feel well,” John mutters. It’s not entirely untrue. Thinking about how Henrik went and <em>tattled</em> on him, like they’re fucking primary school children or something, has been making him feel sick to his stomach. “So I came home.”</p><p>“Do you need anything? I can get you water, or some medicine, or–”</p><p>“No. No, I’m just going to have a lie down, Henrik. Don’t bother me.”</p><p>Henrik frowns. “Alright,” he whispers, his tone holding a hint of disappointment at John’s rejection. John tries not to feel bad, tries to remind himself that this is nothing in comparison to how Henrik has betrayed him.</p>
<hr/><p>Henrik is working the night shift tonight.</p><p>He’s not sure he feels okay with leaving John alone that whole time. He’s so unpredictable in this state, who knows what he could do to himself? But Henrik can’t bother David by asking him to watch John again. He doesn’t want to bother Roxanna, either, and John wouldn’t respond well to having her around right now anyway. Who else does that even leave? Maybe Essie, Henrik supposes, but he doubts John likes her anywhere near enough to let her stay with him overnight.</p><p>So Henrik has to leave John alone for now. If he’s lucky, John will get to bed on time and sleep through the night, and none of it will be a big deal.</p>
<hr/><p>John can’t deal with this anymore.</p><p>There’s no one he can trust. Roxanna has allied herself with his detractors – the people who want to kill him. John never did get on too well with her, but he always assumed she at least had the decency to want him <em>alive</em>. And Henrik’s going around gossiping to everyone about what John thought he was telling him in confidence. <em>Probably telling everyone how crazy I am,</em> John thinks.</p><p>David isn’t doing much better, either, is he? He may not actively be trying to hurt John, but that doesn’t mean he’s doing anything to stop Roxanna from planning to do so. John doesn’t know much about marriage, but he’s fairly certain most people would draw the line at their wife trying to kill their best friend.</p><p>…John can see it, though. Why people would want him dead. He’s a failure of a surgeon. He couldn’t even save Susan today, and that was a basic operation. Several of his trial patients have died because he was smart enough to come up with these new techniques but not smart enough to fucking implement them properly.</p><p>He couldn’t even save Lana.</p><p>
  <em>He couldn’t save Lana.</em>
</p>
<hr/><p>It’s nearly 6am when Henrik gets back home. He’s lucky, he thinks, that Keller was quiet tonight so he could leave work 20 minutes early; the more chance he has of getting some sleep in now, the better.</p><p>The house is quiet, Henrik notices as he enters, and the lights are off, so it seems John did go to bed eventually. That, if nothing else, is a good sign.</p><p>Henrik heads up the stairs to check on John. John is indeed in bed, fast asleep, though for all Henrik knows he might have only been there for a few minutes. (John never was good at keeping a sleep schedule.)</p><p>Henrik takes off his glasses and sets them on the bedside table, before picking out a pair of pyjamas from the wardrobe, trying to be as quiet as he can so as not to wake John as he gets changed. He then lies down under the covers next to John, about ready to go to sleep, when–</p><p>Hang on, is there something on John’s shirt sleeve?</p><p>Henrik carefully lifts the cuff of John’s pyjama top. He can’t see it well in the dark, but there’s definitely some sort of dark stain on the fabric.</p><p>Oh, God, no, no, no…</p><p>Reluctantly, Henrik pulls up John’s sleeve, only to be met with exactly what he feared: a cut right across the side of John’s inner wrist.</p><p>It must be at least an hour or two old by now, as it’s stopped bleeding, but it looks like quite a nasty injury regardless, and far too close to John’s radial artery for Henrik’s comfort.</p><p>John shifts and murmurs something Henrik can’t make out, seemingly woken by Henrik’s touch. He blinks a few times, and then whispers “Henrik?”</p><p>“John,” Henrik asks quietly, his hands still on John’s arm. “What’s this?”</p><p>John shies away, failing to answer.</p><p>“Come on, darling, you’re going to have to get up so I can clean this cut for you, okay?” (Henrik really would have preferred to be there when this happened, so he could help John earlier, but he supposes cleaning out the wound is better done late than never.)</p><p>John nods silently, letting Henrik help him up and guide him downstairs. Henrik’s surprised John hasn’t started yelling at him yet, but he supposes John is too tired for any of that right now.</p><p>Henrik sighs as he folds up John’s sleeve again, preparing to disinfect the cut. In the kitchen, with the light on, he can see the injury much better than he could in the dark of their bedroom. “Oh, John… what have you done to yourself? I put away all the knives and razors, so what did you use?”</p><p>John looks down at his feet.</p><p>“What did you use to cut yourself, John?”</p><p>“…A pencil sharpener,” John admits quietly, almost like a child who knows they've done something naughty. “I broke it and used the blade to cut myself. I’m sorry.”</p><p>Henrik frowns as he continues cleaning out the cut. He had hoped that limiting John’s access to his usual self-harm instruments, insisting on monitoring him if he was going to use any obvious sharp objects, would be enough. But instead, it seems to have only led to John finding more creative ways to hurt himself.</p><p>“Are you mad at me?” John asks when Henrik’s drying his wound.</p><p>Henrik is caught off guard by the question, but manages to get himself together enough to respond: “Of course not, my love. I’m just worried about your wellbeing. Can you tell me why you’re doing this?”</p><p>“’M a bad doctor,” John mutters.</p><p>“No, you aren’t.”</p><p>“Yeah, I am. I keep failing people. My patients keep dying because of me.”</p><p>Henrik puts an arm around John. “It’s not because of you, I’m sure. I know it’s awful when you can’t save someone, but it happens to all of us. It’s not your fault.”</p><p>“It is.”</p><p>It scares Henrik, hearing John talk about himself like this. But he figures it’s probably best not to upset John further right now, and they both need some sleep. So instead, he whispers “come on, let’s get you back to bed.”</p>
<hr/><p>Henrik can’t stop thinking about what John said and did last night.</p><p>He’s growing more worried than ever now. John only seems to be getting worse, hurting himself even after Henrik tried to stop him. Henrik really, really, <em>really</em> does not want to have to have John sectioned, but some part of him feels like that’s going to be the inevitable outcome of this.</p><p>He tries approaching John that afternoon, hoping they can simply talk this out.</p><p>“John? I think we need to talk about what… what you were doing last night.”</p><p>“What, so you can go and gossip to Roxanna about it? No chance.”</p><p>“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”</p><p>“Oh, I think you do! You know what she told me yesterday? That you told her I ‘thought’ there were people trying to hurt me. I assume you inspired her psychosis theory, too?”</p><p>Henrik briefly questions if the conversation even happened, but decides there’s no other way John would’ve known about the phone call. He’d been careful to stay out of earshot, so it’s not like John overheard. “It wasn’t like that.”</p><p>“Was it now?” John asks bitterly. He doesn’t sound anything like the fragile man Henrik had comforted last night, but at the same time, he does: underneath all the anger and name-calling, John seems confused, scared even. It breaks Henrik’s heart to watch.</p><p>“I was just expressing concern for you. John, you’re saying things that don’t make sense, you’re self-harming, your nightmares are getting worse… I love you, and I want to be able to help you, but I don’t know what to do.”</p><p>“You could start by leaving me alone!”</p><p>“I tried that last night, and look where it got us!”</p><p>“Jesus Christ, Henrik. You’re acting like I’m the only person who’s ever cut themselves! So I did something impulsively that I probably shouldn’t have. What does it matter to you?!”</p><p>“It scares me, John! You could cut too deep and end up hurting yourself, or the wounds could get infected–”</p><p>“And your drinking habit in uni could have permanently damaged your liver! But hey, it didn’t, and cutting didn’t hurt me.”</p><p>“John, listen to yourself. You’re trying to explain why it’s okay for you to self-harm.”</p><p>“You’re trying to make this sound worse than it is.”</p><p>Henrik has half a mind to scream in frustration. “You cut your wrist last night. You don’t cut on your arms, only your legs. What’s changed? How do I know this isn’t the precursor to a suicide attempt? How do I know it’s not you trying to cry for help before you do something worse to yourself?”</p><p>“My wrist was just the most easily accessible location and I needed relief, so–”</p><p>“I’m putting you on suicide watch,” Henrik interrupts. He surprises even himself by saying it, but it’s the only answer to all this that comes to mind. “No closed doors. No sharp objects. No being alone.”</p><p>“This is ridiculous!” John snaps. “I’m not suicidal, you know I’m not–”</p><p>“And I’m not taking chances,” Henrik asserts. He doesn’t want to take away John’s freedoms, but this is his last-ditch attempt to help before giving up and having John hospitalised, and he knows it.</p><p>“Well, what about work?”</p><p>Henrik sighs. “I’ll check up on you throughout the day and make sure you haven’t hurt yourself.”</p><p>“What about when <em>you</em> have to work?”</p><p>“I’ll arrange for someone to stay with you.”</p><p>John seems to give up on arguing after that, as though he’s realised he isn’t going to get out of this.</p><p>Henrik tries not to feel guilty about it. He himself had argued with John many a time about John’s attempts to help him, when he was at his worst earlier in the year. He understands John’s choices now, though, and appreciates his effort.</p><p>He can only hope John will understand all this when he’s finally well again, too.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>If you're wondering what the prompt was... it was these lines:</p><p>"I'm putting you on suicide watch. No closed doors. No sharp objects. No being alone."</p><p>"This is ridiculous! I'm not suicidal."</p><p>"And I'm not taking chances."</p><p>Again, all credit to prompt-dealer on Tumblr for that wonderfully Johnrik prompt, lol. (Though as you can see, I altered it a bit.)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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